look no pants
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
whose parrot is this?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My vagina is very pro this idea
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
