the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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