Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
