I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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