Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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