If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
