What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Someone came in the potted fern
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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