Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
