I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
