mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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