if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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