I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
