is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
