Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
