When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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