If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
