I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
