I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
worst night to have a conscience
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
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I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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