matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.