My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...