I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
