I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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