yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
