I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
