Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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