Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
