the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
