i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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