Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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