One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
