life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
