I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
