She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
