gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The adults are the big ones right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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