I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
