I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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