new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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