he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
