So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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