I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i wish my penis had a tongue
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
