it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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