I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
