Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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