I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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