oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
