Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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