I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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