My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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