She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
