she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
