Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
