Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
