if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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