Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
