Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
