she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
