wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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