just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If I die, sorry about rent.
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